The End?

She and I are “taking a break”. In short, she wants the freedom of being single combined with the pleasure of local relationships.

But she comes to my city at least twice a year; we’ll relive the old times then.

How is this different from an open, long-distance relationship? I don’t know yet, but I think it comes down to, as she said, expectations. Both she and I were expected to be slaves to our laptop, staying in talking with each other instead of going out and experiencing society. That’s over now; we’ll talk when we have something to actually talk about, and go out otherwise.

The rules are also different—or even gone. Sure, the fact that we’re “on a break” instead of “broken up” mean that she can’t just take up smoking then expect to get back together with me. But she also doesn’t need to tell me about who she’s hooking up with.

Three and a half years. They were the best I’ve had. Thank you, Crowds.

Update: Oh yeah, we did all the breaking up online, via AIM. We’re getting together over Thanksgiving to hash out any details, but it’s done.

The 1000-mile Threesome

Crowds and I have been looking to have a threesome with a woman. We both are under the impression that it’d be a really fun time that won’t negatively affect our relationship.

So, now we need a third. There are three issues with this: her preferences, my preferences, and the fact that we’re never near each other.

See, Crowds wants the third to be a really hot chick with a great sense of style and who gives off a totally punk attitude. As someone who dates those kind of people I happen to know that there are like two of them in existence, and I’m already dating one.

I want the third person to be a non-smoker. In fact, I base my whole life around hating smokers. Turns out that far too many potential thirds also smoke.

I hear and read rumors of threesomes happening spontaneously; three people are in a room together, there’s a good vibe, and it just happens. So let’s say that happens to the average college student once every three months. These friends probably spend at least one day each week together, if not daily; let’s say an average of four days/week are spent together. So on any given day the chance of a threesome erupting is about 0.23%.

Crowds and I see each other about five times each year (now that I can afford to fly her out here!), each time for one week. That’s about one-sixth the amount of time the above-mentioned friends spend together. So on any given day the chance of a threesome erupting is about 0.04%.

(My math may be totally wrong, but the result is the same either way: we have no chance!)

Oh, and we prefer it not to be a friend of mine, so we go to bars, but everyone at bars smokes when drunk. So, uh, 0%.

She and I have been interested in this threesome for more than two years (side note: our three-year anniversary is coming up!). She’s about ready to call a prostitute if it doesn’t happen.

Constant stalking

Crowds has discovered that she can email me via SMS, and likewise I have discovered that I can SMS her via email.

This means that, though I will not see her for another month, I can still get up-to-the-minute updates with pictures.

For example, I just got in my inbox: i got slutty things in exchange for my pajamas.

i’m terrible at posting

i only do this when i’m wasted, which is a sure indicator of my horrible personality, but i guess i’ll just roll with it. i keep coming home from class at like 10pm but then as soon as i get home the roommates are playing buffy and i get sucked in and then i go on aim and i want to tal to “crowdpleaser” but he isn’t online sometimes. anyway right now i want to talk because there’s this deal with some mysterious headache illness that he has and hopefully isn’t a big deal but there’s a catscan tomorrow, and maybe i’m saying too much right now and i’ll delete it but i’m scared and i hope it turns out ok. it’s too much like when i was a dumbass and fell off my bike and he was all “go to the hospital of course” and now i’m in the position of hoping it all goes well. anyway i only ever post when i’m wasted because i’m a bit of a failure as a human being but you know when the spirit moves you or whatever. i have to pee so i have to wrap this up but i think one of the biggest issues that comes up is when the other person is having some serious/semi-serious trouble and there’s nothing you can do from like ten billion miles away and the only thing you want to do is help. anyway it’s only 3 1/2 weeks away until i see him so it’s not so bad but i wish the internet/i was ubiquitious but it’s sort of stupid for me to use these words when i’m too wasted to form coherent thoughts.

The countdown begins

Crowds just bought her plane tickets for November: six days in November around Thanksgiving. 38 days from right now, to be mostly exact.

Much of the conversations she and I have revolve around things to do when we next meet. So, here is a snippet:

• Rape fantasy.
• Threesome.
• Public sex in the park nearby.
• Thanksgiving with her dad’s family.
• Thanksgiving-ish with my mom.
• Taxi Driver.
• Lay in bed, touching each other’s bodies, for hours.
• Update: teach her programming.

If I had to pick one of those that I’m most excited about, then I’d have to dodge that question. Oh, and she should totally use the comments field below to mention other things that I’ve forgotten right now.

Balancing local friends with a LDR

It’s important to never put your partner significantly higher than your friends; this is especially true of a long-distance thing, where you become a boring slave to your computer by ignoring your friends.

On the other hand, it sucks when you two keep missing each other, and come home to find “Last seen: 20 minutes ago” or:

(12:36:13) Crowds: are you there?
(12:37:10) Crowds: damnit i have such exciting stories to share!
(13:27:46) Crowds has signed off.

However, this only seems to happen every few weeks. I think that’s acceptable. If it happens daily and shows no sign of stopping, then it is definitely time to discuss schedules and priorities, and even email or phone communication. Luckily, we aren’t there.

On “fairness” in open relationships

Crowds and I have had an open-ish long-distance relationship, mostly because we still want to get laid despite being months apart from each other.

For this to work with minimum jealousy issues, she and I have made rules and restrictions for the other. It, in my mind, totally makes sense for each of us to have different restrictions—we both have different levels of jealousy, so it doesn’t make sense for us to have the same restrictions.

Since I have basically no jealousy, I told her she can do anything she wants, whatsoever, except smoke cigarettes.

Since she has lots of jealousy, I cannot date. I can have one night with someone else, but cannot date her. Since “date” is a fuzzy word, this involves lots of discussion between Crowds and I; this is fine, since she and I communicate really well.

Until Friday I had never made use of this. She has had a few partners of varying levels of relationships, but I mostly kept to myself. On Friday, however, I went on a Crowds-approved date with D, just to try a date and see how she felt about it.

Crowds did not like this date, so I told D that I would not go on any future dates with her. D claimed that this was unfair to me, since Crowds can do anything and I can “only” sleep with people. I’ve heard this “unfair” claim a few times since, so these are my arguments again it:

Usefulness to Me

How can it be useful to me if she can only sleep with people? What does that gain me that I didn’t have before? Nothing. If she can do anything she wants, doing nothing is as useful to me as doing everything. Either way, I’m unaffected.

Feelings Reflection

She and I have different feelings and levels of jealousy, as I mentioned above. It makes no sense to apply the same rules to each other if the feelings are different.

Self-Restraint

Crowds feels no guilt from all this because, although I don’t mind if she does anything, she restrains herself. This is probably a factor in why I trust her so much; I know that she does not want to do anything that will negatively affect us.

I Have Freedom!

How many LDRs work so well and have so much trust that, while being treated as a full-blown, long-term relationship, they are also open? My guess: not many. Not even many local relationships work this well. I have freedom to sleep with people beside Crowds; this is great!

I Don’t Want Another Relationship

One is hard enough. “Don’t date” is like “don’t go to the Iraq war” or “don’t get paid less”—it’s a great idea! I tried it with D and, lesson learned: one batshit crazy woman is hard enough.

Real-time Party Updates

Last night Crowds threw a party. I got to hear about it in real time via IM:

10:15PM:
crowds: someone brought me a lindsay lohan book!
crowds: i have to go back out soon

A half hour later:

crowds: $35!!
crowds: i have to go soon because i left the money box with someone

45 minutes later:

crowds: i almost fell into the toilet because i drank too much!
crowds:: ok i think i have to go out and make more people give me money and booze

And finally at 1:30AM:

crowds: are you for real asleep?

Abortion: The Important Stain on My Past

Today I finally told Crowds my one secret: I knocked up my high school girlfriend, and she aborted the fetus.

This quickly led to a discussion on when and if I should tell my partner about this. Crowds and I have an amazingly open and honest relationship, and yet it took over two years for this to come out.

On the one hand, why is it even a secret? It happens to people around the world constantly; she found some source that claimed 20% of the world’s women have had an abortion.

On the other hand, it’s a pretty big deal. It’s a sign of carelessness that I’ll always remember. It didn’t affect me a large amount, but it’s among the most memorable moments in my life.

So should it have remained my (only) secret? If not, after how long should I have waited before telling my partner? It’s not first date material, but is it third date? one year?

My original plan was to tell her when she asked, or when it became very, very relevant (like, if Crowds became pregnant). Should I have stuck with that plan?

The extremes are tough

Crowds is back home, but “her Internet connection is disconnected. This means that I went from “one more week of this and I might have to use the phrase ‘I need some space’” to “why won’t she sign online?!” in the course of a few days.

To be very clear, I’d rather have “too much” of her than nothing at all.

At times like this I just keep busy—I work from when I awake to 11PM. Sometimes I sneak a peek at her MySpace or forums, just to see if I’ve missed out on something.