The 1000-mile Threesome

Crowds and I have been looking to have a threesome with a woman. We both are under the impression that it’d be a really fun time that won’t negatively affect our relationship.

So, now we need a third. There are three issues with this: her preferences, my preferences, and the fact that we’re never near each other.

See, Crowds wants the third to be a really hot chick with a great sense of style and who gives off a totally punk attitude. As someone who dates those kind of people I happen to know that there are like two of them in existence, and I’m already dating one.

I want the third person to be a non-smoker. In fact, I base my whole life around hating smokers. Turns out that far too many potential thirds also smoke.

I hear and read rumors of threesomes happening spontaneously; three people are in a room together, there’s a good vibe, and it just happens. So let’s say that happens to the average college student once every three months. These friends probably spend at least one day each week together, if not daily; let’s say an average of four days/week are spent together. So on any given day the chance of a threesome erupting is about 0.23%.

Crowds and I see each other about five times each year (now that I can afford to fly her out here!), each time for one week. That’s about one-sixth the amount of time the above-mentioned friends spend together. So on any given day the chance of a threesome erupting is about 0.04%.

(My math may be totally wrong, but the result is the same either way: we have no chance!)

Oh, and we prefer it not to be a friend of mine, so we go to bars, but everyone at bars smokes when drunk. So, uh, 0%.

She and I have been interested in this threesome for more than two years (side note: our three-year anniversary is coming up!). She’s about ready to call a prostitute if it doesn’t happen.