On “fairness” in open relationships

Crowds and I have had an open-ish long-distance relationship, mostly because we still want to get laid despite being months apart from each other.

For this to work with minimum jealousy issues, she and I have made rules and restrictions for the other. It, in my mind, totally makes sense for each of us to have different restrictions—we both have different levels of jealousy, so it doesn’t make sense for us to have the same restrictions.

Since I have basically no jealousy, I told her she can do anything she wants, whatsoever, except smoke cigarettes.

Since she has lots of jealousy, I cannot date. I can have one night with someone else, but cannot date her. Since “date” is a fuzzy word, this involves lots of discussion between Crowds and I; this is fine, since she and I communicate really well.

Until Friday I had never made use of this. She has had a few partners of varying levels of relationships, but I mostly kept to myself. On Friday, however, I went on a Crowds-approved date with D, just to try a date and see how she felt about it.

Crowds did not like this date, so I told D that I would not go on any future dates with her. D claimed that this was unfair to me, since Crowds can do anything and I can “only” sleep with people. I’ve heard this “unfair” claim a few times since, so these are my arguments again it:

Usefulness to Me

How can it be useful to me if she can only sleep with people? What does that gain me that I didn’t have before? Nothing. If she can do anything she wants, doing nothing is as useful to me as doing everything. Either way, I’m unaffected.

Feelings Reflection

She and I have different feelings and levels of jealousy, as I mentioned above. It makes no sense to apply the same rules to each other if the feelings are different.

Self-Restraint

Crowds feels no guilt from all this because, although I don’t mind if she does anything, she restrains herself. This is probably a factor in why I trust her so much; I know that she does not want to do anything that will negatively affect us.

I Have Freedom!

How many LDRs work so well and have so much trust that, while being treated as a full-blown, long-term relationship, they are also open? My guess: not many. Not even many local relationships work this well. I have freedom to sleep with people beside Crowds; this is great!

I Don’t Want Another Relationship

One is hard enough. “Don’t date” is like “don’t go to the Iraq war” or “don’t get paid less”—it’s a great idea! I tried it with D and, lesson learned: one batshit crazy woman is hard enough.